Episode 378: #BeWoW Post: Dealing With Regrets.

For Ronovan’s BeWoW post this week, he has suggested the rather thought-provoking topic of regrets, and how we deal with them.

Well, God knows where to start with this one, as I have spent the larger part of my life fretting over things I have done, mistakes that I have made and how I have regretted my actions. In fact, it wasn’t until last year, when I had been going to Counselling for a while that I even realised quite how bad it had become.

I have always been a people pleaser and hate it when I think I have upset or offended someone. It reached quite a crescendo last year when I was having trouble sleeping at night. I would be re-running conversations in my head that I had been involved in during the day, then would criticize myself for the stupid or cringeworthy things I had said, thus making me stay awake fretting about how people must think I am stupid.

I would also look back over my life and wish that I had done something differently; too many marriages, too much drinking (when I was younger), not watching my weight (or rather, watching it get heavier and heavier), smoking (I gave up after 30 years last October) and really not bothering in school (I hated it, so did not study properly).

However, as far as regrets over my lifestyle choices went, I have tried to put right the wrongs of the past, and hope that my body is forgiving. Educationally, I did go back to it and gain a few more qualifications that I am proud to have achieved. The marriages, well, I went into all of them willingly, and thought each one was going to last forever, but life had its own agenda for me! I did have my gorgeous daughter with my 2nd husband so how can that ever be something that I regret?!

Lastly, the incessant late night berating sessions, these have got much less now. My counsellor explained that I should stop living in the past (regurgitating conversations etc), as that was finished and cannot be changed, and to start living in the present. I had never really thought of it like that before, but that is so true.

I do still get mad at myself when I have been a prat and said something silly, but I try to convince myself to get over it, and move on!

44 thoughts on “Episode 378: #BeWoW Post: Dealing With Regrets.

  1. This is such a wonderful post. I think many of us find ourselves in a similar place. I catalog every mistake, wrong word, etc. and replay it, too. But here’s the thing about regret: If we like who we are today, and we’re mostly content with our lives, then we should acknowledge that experiences from the past helped form who we are now. And, if we are okay with who we are today, then maybe we should accept the past as part of our journeys to becoming our best selves. Sorry if I rambled. πŸ™‚

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    1. You didn’t ramble at all Tonya, Yes our pasts have shaped us into who we are today. I think it is time for me to accept that and move forward being a better person having learned a few lessons along the way πŸ™‚

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  2. Sometimes, it helps looking what good came from the bad stuff. Like your daughter – exactly how you said – how can there be regret there.

    Other times recognizing that we can’t change the past, and must move forward is the way to go. It seems you have done the recognizing part down. The past is in the past. The future is yet unknown. Yet the present is a beautiful gift.

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  3. I kid you not, every time I say something stupid, the two stupidest things I’ve ever said pop into my head. One from SEVENTH GRADE and one from 2002. Seriously? Who else is still thinking about stupid things I said in 1987?!?
    We humans are so weird. lol
    I don’t really believe in regret, but I think it’s a basic human right πŸ˜‰

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  4. Now this is great and also it illustrates what’s so very awesome about your blog…….you’re so human…you have issues, you deal with things not always in the best ways, and yet you get back up, you find another route, you continue, you approach things with a fresh view and you try again and again. You don’t give up. You don’t quit. You don’t just give in to a miserable existence. You fight. You’re so awesome, Edwina. What a great example of how to really get out there and LIVE a life! Ms. Hap has a great role model in you….lucky girl.

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  5. I love what you say in this post, Ed. I am also a people-pleaser and hate it whenever I know I’ve upset someone. I know a lot about ruminating, it has the potential to drive us crazy. For some odd reason, while I have A LOT to regret, it’s something I never actually do. Your Counsellor is spot on about the past can never be changed. I was wondering about this “saying something silly” and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is one of the things people like about you. I can’t imagine you ever being offensive and you probably worry about certain things you’ve said, which the other person barely noticed. I remember once you feeling bad when you thought you had upset me over something to do with blog content (I can’t even remember), but it hadn’t phased me one bit… that sort of thing probably happens to you quite a lot.

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    1. Cat thanks so much for your lovely encouragement and support, I worry as I do use sarcasm sometimes or say something straight-faced when I am joking, and if people don’t know me that well, they might get the wrong idea! However, what is done is done and unless someone tells me I have offended them then I will just have to assume that I haven’t!

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      1. I always say, ‘if you have something to say, lets have it, and if you want to talk behind my back then it’s none of my business’. The more we try not to feel guilty about others, the easier it becomes. My neighbours never used to be away from my door, asking for help and I felt so guilty for saying no, sometimes I barely had time for myself. I put a stop to that at the start of therapy and at first the guilt was tremendous, but it’s almost non existent now. Anyway, sorry for blabbing about me, but just to say, we can change this guilty complex with some hard work and sweat

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      2. Hey, I am interested in learning more about you, so why shouldn’t you talk about your experiences. Yes, I have huge guilt trips about things that I should not concern myself with too. I still have a way to go but have at least got up and going! πŸ™‚

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  6. Thanks for sharing Judy. You have touched on some issues that many of us have had to deal with, or yet cannot get past. But when you said about going over conversations that we cannot change, that was a big one; one we tend to let ourselves internalize over without resolution. We all have to get over things we need to move on with and be especially grateful for all that we have. πŸ™‚

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  7. I do that all the time, rehash conversations that can’t be changed. Sometimes I comfort myself with the thought that everyone is more concerned with what they said to even remember what I said…I hope πŸ™‚

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  8. As logical as not looking back may seem, it’s a difficult thing for me to do. After all, some of those things shaped what is currently my life. Sage advice, but difficult to follow – at least for me. πŸ™‚

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  9. I can agree with the principal of not looking back – something my counsellor said to me as well, stop ruminating and dwelling on the past. You can’t change it. You can learn from it though. Sounds like you’ve done a good job of that so far. Nice post.

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  10. ah yes, ‘regrets, I’ve had a few….’ a song lyric from days gone by.
    My husband told a story about a James Bond movie where James is being chased by the bad guy in a car chase, and he suddenly breaks off his rear-view mirror.
    Why?
    Because, he said, ‘what is behind me does not matter!’

    Good advice, I think!

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  11. That was a really honest post, I enjoyed reading. It’s so hard not get caught up in agonising over past mistakes (I do the same with going over and over conversations where I’ve said something a bit silly) and to live in the present but that’s good advice from your counsellor.

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  12. That is an awesome post, Judy! I am sure it not only speaks to me but to most of us. We all did things we would love to have it undone but it is impossible. Right that fact can throw us in deep desperation, frustration and even depression. Feeling guilty for something is one of the most useless feelings at all. Because it keeps us from making it better now. Our view is directed backwards where nothing can be done at all instead of forwards where changes are made. Your post also reminds me to my quote from Monday. What a perfect fit. https://erikakind.wordpress.com/2015/06/15/daily-kind-quote-12/

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  13. I do that whole conversation re-run as well, I think about the past a little too much and I have a house full of sentimental things; much of which have come to me by default. I’m a natural over-thinker, so it isn’t easy trying to change. You’re right though,living in the present is so much healthier; to appreciate where you’re at right now. The past is fixed, but the future can be changed.

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